Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir or Madam,

I was interested to read in your “On this Day” section reference to certain garden birds. Quite apart from regular garden forays from the Stoned Curlew, my husband and I have witnessed visits to our garden from the far rarer Completely Hammered Curlew. These dishevelled looking birds usually arrive in noisy groups, stagger about a bit, damaging my phlox, before being driven off by a mating pair of spectacled twites which live in a flowering turnip bush near our pond. Often they are assisted by our resident crested henfumblers when the latter tire of interfering with the chickens.

I hope that this has been of interest and will get my name in print.

Yours Truly,

Emily Bangtrouser (47) (Mrs) 

Dear Mr Pangolin,

                                 
I wonder if you can help me. I live in a one–bedroomed maisonette. I am a 76 year old widower with no plans to remarry though I do quite fancy Elsie Bridgestone who runs the bar down the British Legion. I want to know about the government’s new bedroom tax under which you get taxed if your bedroom is empty. Friends tell me that if I can’t afford to pay, the government can move somebody in. Does that mean that when I come back from the shops there’ll be a homeless person in my bedroom? Can I nominate somebody? I’d pick Elsie Bridgestone who is not exactly homeless but could be if I shop her to the council for cheating on her benefits.

Yours faithfully,

Alan Ballast