Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Pangolin News Flash!


                         IMMIGRANT CRISIS HITS GLOSSOP

  • Strange person seen in street
  • Pensioners not safe in their beds
  • Washing stolen from line

In this exclusive report from award winning journalist Portia Fishwick, we reveal the horror of a continental invasion.

Today, the normally bustling highways and byways of this Derbyshire town are deserted, save for keen-eyed patrolling Police officers.

Chief Inspector Dave Grist
Says Chief Inspector Dave Grist: “This is something we take very seriously” C I Grist’s words were echoed by Councillor Joyce Humper on Radio Glossop when she said, “The Police are taking this very seriously.”

I was given special permission by C I Grist to speak to actual eyewitnesses of the incident which has struck fear into the hearts of Glossopians. In the town’s launderette I found Mrs Eileen O’Blimey [47], a frail,brave woman who, in her own words said, "I just had to nip out and get me smalls done as we have had our washing machine repossessed". Visibly shaken, she went on, “I was just crossing the road by the bookies when I seen this bloke. He didn’t look local and I suddenly realized he were foreign.” At this point Mrs O’Blimey looked very shaken and had to sit down. The story was taken up by launderette manager Traci Blunt [19]. She said; "Yeah, I seen him an’ all. He definitely looked foreign, an’ he was like, walking along."

Leaving these plucky women, I went next to the tap room of The Royal Gherkin, normally quiet at this time of day but now crowded with mostly men wisely taking a day off work. “I mean, its not safe to be out there, is it?” queried a young strapping chap called Grant who didn’t want his name mentioned. However, the Gherkin’s landlord, Des Gimlet, had no such reservations. He said, “I spotted him first just as I was coming in to open up. I don’t know why, but you don’t think twice in these circumstances, do you – I mean not with these millions of immigrants jumping over fences in Calais and stuff, so I just went up and asked him who he was and what he wanted.” A muted round of applause followed and I was impressed with Mr Gimlet’s selfless disregard for his own safety.
Mrs Eileen O'Blimey recounts her ordeal

These are just a few of the eyewitness accounts I have heard today. There is genuine fear here as Police try to find the mysterious and possibly dangerous foreigner seen prowling the streets.

STOP PRESS! At approximately 5.21pm this evening, Chief Inspector Dave Grist made this local radio statement. “Earlier this afternoon, a man came forward and identified himself as Dr Miguel Gonzalez. Dr Gonzales was able to confirm that he was the foreign-looking male who had terrified locals. Dr Gonzalez had become lost and was trying to find his way to Glossop Royal Infirmary where he is to take up the post of Head of Psychiatry.”

Dr Miguel Gonzales
Later, through a hospital spokesperson, Dr Gonzalez added "What a bunch of nutters. As a psychiatrist, I expect to see quite a few of them again in the near future."

The Mail says: We give thanks for the grit and determination of journalists like Ms Fishwick whose Dunkirk spirit guards us against the threat of unbridled immigration. That today’s terrifying events resulted in a peaceful ending is irrelevant. Tomorrow, it could be a lorry-load of Islamic State butchers.

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Thought for the Day, with Justin Webly, more or less Arch of Cant

Justin here. 

I’m pleased to report that our Summer Fayre frolics went off tolerably well although I still fail to see why a “y” is preferable to an “i” in its title. Nevertheless, apart from a potentially dangerous stand-off between the nuns of Our Lady of Strictness and The Sisters of Cool, it was all most enjoyable. It is worth mentioning that Mr Des O’Connor, our Celebrity Guest was instrumental in calming passions between the religious ladies by collapsing half way through “If You Were the Only Girl in the World” clutching his chest immediately after the young man with the wire in his ear had darted forward to adjust Mr O’Connor’s microphone, inadvertently pinning it to the singer’s chest rather than shirt. But nuns of both persuasions saved the day and the veteran crooner was able to continue.
But presently, I must admit to a certain mystification with regard to our Labour Party and its search for a new leader. Mr E Miliband, the last incumbent was, to my mind, cruelly treated by the Tory Party and the media – which is owned, apparently, by the Tory Party, and as a consequence the Labour Party was soundly trounced. It now finds itself in the strange position of having an ideal candidate – Mr Jeremy Corbyn, an utterly incorruptible follower of the principles set down by Kier Hardie – but who appears to unsettle Labour Grandees. Why should that be? Might it be because Mr Corbyn wants to redress the balance between public and private ownership of essentials like energy and transport, rid us of nuclear missiles, bring the banks into line with what is legal and celebrate a quality sadly lacking in many politicians – honesty? He puts me in mind of Jesus. We all know what happened to Him.

Finally, there is one more Test Match to play. A completely splendid England XI have already won the Ashes. In theory, they could simply lark about during this last contest, bowling underarm, using the bat handle or being sent off for repeatedly raspberrying at umpires. But with cricket being cricket, they won’t. They’ll give it their all and at stumps on the final day, they will emerge as winners. Like Mr Corbyn? 

Pip, pip, 


Monday, 3 August 2015

Pangolin Newsflash: Hipster of the Black Lagoon mystery solved

Dramatic pictures emerged yesterday of a search party's amazing discovery at local beauty spot Filth Pond, near Langley's Bottom, Glossop.  Said Team Leader Samantha Kerb: "We've always believed in the hipster legend. It's spotted from time to time and, as you can see, it's a distressing sight. But up till now, it's always managed to evade us."

Local Social Services spokesperson Aubrey Spanner added "The team did a great job coaxing the hipster out of the water with lattes and real ale. He (we think it's a male) will now be taken to Chester Zoo for evaluation."

Friday, 24 July 2015

Thought for the Day, with Justin Webly, more or less Arch of Cant

Justin here. 

I write during a lull in the hurly-burly of preparating for our Palace Summer Garden Party. As ever, I have been inundated with suggestions for new events to join evergreen joys such as the now sadly ageing Lambeth Country Dance Team and the ever popular Home Made Wine stall, which this year will offer an especially potent dock leaf and turnip brew. 

An individual called Kanye West came up in discussion several times. My research suggests that Mr West is a popular singer, although the young man with the wire in his ear- so often my guide through things contemporary -  tells me that Mr West’s music and persona may not suit our essentially English gathering. According to the young man with the wire in his ear, Mr West is an egocentric arsehole. Naturally, the young man with the wire in his ear immediately apologised for his earthy terminology, but I must admit that I myself met quite a few egocentric arseholes during my banking days. What would Jesus have done ? In the end, we settled for Mr Des O’Connor.
After the sad deaths of a pet dog and a tortoise, killed by herring gulls, I note that our Prime Minister seeks to have a “Big Conversation” about the depredations of these large and apparently aggressive sea birds. There are two camps here – one which points out that herring gulls are opportunist predators who make no distinction between Yorkshire terriers or day trippers’ ice cream cones and that we mere humans can do little to modify the their behaviour, and the other which recommends poisoning, shooting, sterilising and gassing in order to keep our small dogs and bags of chips safe. My lady wife allies herself to this latter grouping and has been spotted lurking, armed with one of my old cricket bats and a stale loaf, on the library’s flat roof.
Mention of cricket, especially in the wake of England’s recent comprehensive defeat by Australia, pains me somewhat. How can it be that after our outstanding victory in the first test match we can, as the young man with the wire in his ear put it, “roll over like a bunch of numpties” in the second? I know not. Perhaps during the third test, in the words of Our Lord Jesus Christ, “Where two or three (English slip fielders) are gathered together….(many Australian wickets will be taken)“ Of course, the brackets are mine, but I live in hope.

Pip pip,


Friday, 17 July 2015

Packing Volumes

It's that time of year again. Once again we ask some of this country's leading writers to share with us what they will be taking to read on their hols.

Candice Thrubb:

This year I will be taking with me to Lombardy something very exciting. All About Me (5) is the fifth and latest volume of my autobiography, just hot off the press - so hot that I haven't yet had a chance to peek inside and check that all is as it should be. I will, of course, need to take with me as well the four companion volumes to check for consistency of reference and maybe just for old time's sake. Can't wait.

Lawrence O'Fegarty:

I'm looking forward to having with me in Umbria this year the fully illustrated edition of Unremarkable Objects, Norman Stiblet's monumental study of North Staffordshire drain-covers. I won't be going anywhere without also packing the 1962 edition of Pitkin Pictorial's Guide to Devon. Where would we be without bella Italia!

Antonia Pluke-Anstruther:

Anthony Quirke-Burke has been at it again and I won't be leaving any airport till I've got my hands on his much-acclaimed Plonker.

Benedict Crope:

No trip to Italy would be complete for me without a small book of verse to dip into poolside. My choice this year will be Another Garland by Amanda Crope. And I shall have And, Sigourney Hirschnackel's riveting work on the use of this small conjunction in Western Literature.

Anthony Quirke-Burke:

Can't help it, I'm a creature of habit. So it's back to Puglia once again and taking with me Antonia Pluke-Anstruther's much thumbed Nether Region.