Sunday, 27 July 2014

Pangolin Lifestyle Survey Results!

Well, after months of careful preparation, it's finally ready! 

Yes, The Pangolin Lifestyle Survey is ready to hit the streets. At this, the Survey’s launch, we’ve kept things fairly simple, but should you feel the need to comment on any of our findings – and we feel you probably will – especially the one about the rubber duck and rice pudding, you can simply email Prof Whimbrel at the usual address.

So here’s an easy to understand selection of results to mull over. (Our Survey showed that 76% of you are thick). 
  1. A distressed 15% of respondents didn’t know the difference between Senekot tablets and breath fresheners.
  2. 43% of those questioned fell into the *CGS category with regard to Europe.
  3. 73% of women who had ever appeared on Youtube worried that their bums looked big. 21% of that 73% had massive rear ends.
  4. 89% of men under 40 who favoured little tufts of hair and pointy shoes thought they looked attractive.
  5. Of that 89%, 12% did.
  6. 77% of over-60s women confessed to going “Aaah” at Royal babies on television.
  7. An amazing 91% of men and women under 30 favoured button flies on jeans to zips because, “They’re like, cool, y’know.” 67% of the 91% said “innit” instead of “y’know”.
  8. An entirely expected 100% of teenagers thought they might die if they didn’t constantly fiddle with their phones.
  9. 54% thought that Nick Clegg was a computer graphic image and not a real person. 46% had never heard of him.
  10. Asked if they thought apostrophes were important, 21% said that all wildlife should be protected, 65% felt they were alright in their place, but that apostrophe pooh was becoming a problem in urban areas. 16% were in favour of a cull.

There! Just a taster really, but we feel quite proud of the Survey and will be sending copies to all leading UK politicians in the near future – that Cameron bloke, Nigel Farridge, Wallace Miliband and that really scary one, Vince Grable.

* Couldn’t Give a Shit

Friday, 25 July 2014

Behind the scenes at Glossop Initiative for Trade meeting

We know that the Glossop Initiative for Trade (GIT) has been getting a bit of a bad press recently. We know that we've been accused of being of being a bunch who Piss On Other People (POOP). Nothing could be further from the truth, and we're now banding together to show we've got the best interests of the community at heart. Our community, that is.

Derek Wancre-Stayner, of Wancre Egg Estates (WEE) perceptively identified local social problems:

  • Rents in the area are too low. This means that the area attracts poor people, people who aren't prepared to pay £50.00 for a scented candle or a hand-crafted egg cosy. If this continues, the people who sell them will simply go elsewhere and be lost to the community forever.
  • A lot of these poor people work in the care sector, which in turn attracts elderly people who aren't that good to look at, sleep a lot and give a bad impression of the town. Besides, those old folks' homes would be much better turned into executive housing.
  • Planning Permission rules need to be reviewed. At the moment, you need Planning Permission if you want to put a tiny illuminated sign outside your shop, but Reg Bastard from the betting shop is still allowed to walk around wearing a shirt like that - in a residential area.
  • When Wancre Egg Estates put a tiny illuminated sign outside their offices, local poor people thought that WEE was an instruction and complied with it.
  • The quality of stalls at the local market is very disappointing. Some of them sell goods which are within the price range of riff raff - and this will only attract more poor people to the area.
  • There are people wandering round the area who aren't very good-looking. Some of them even drink and do drugs. They should be rounded up and put elsewhere. Now, that German bloke - Der Furrier or something - he dealt with this sort of thing properly. We need to look for successful urban regeneration models elsewhere.
Of course this isn't an exhaustive list; the subject of dog excrement wasn't raised once during the last meeting - though it was mooted as a subject for the next. This may be up for debate since Daisy Hovercraft pointed out that it was not dog excrement on the kerbs, but human. People who'd been caught short since public conveniences were all locked shut to stop poor people going in there.

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Pangolin Villas following a major refurb! Book your holiday-of-a-lifetime now!

Pangolin Villas, with state-of-the-art chalets in the beautifully landscaped gardens. Pangolin Villas, with what would be panoramic views over Glossop Brook if it weren't for a row of leylandii trees. Pangolin Villas, with what would be panoramic views over Glossop Brook if it weren't for a row of leylandii trees and several dark satanic mills...
(Photo courtesy of Christopher Hoggins)

Here are some testimonials from our delighted customers:

  • "It was all soooooo romantic - why, I could quite see the stars through the chalet roof" (Suzi Nutcrusher, Bude)
  • "Forget sandcastles on the beach! I've not had such a jolly-mud-pie activity holiday since Pontins in 1963!" (Nikolai Peng, Barton-under-Needwood)
  • "I had a transcendental time sitting in a broken-down chair whilst contemplating a full binliner in a carefully and finely crafted transcendental rubbish receptacle. It was dead transcendental." (Benzo Spacecadet, Chase Farm Hospital)
  • "I was sooo fascinated by the two-legged chairs! Such poise! Such equilibrium! And when I wanted to sit down, extra-comfy buckets were provided! Laeticia and I could hold hands while we performed our ablutions in public!" (Vermin Hardacre, Winson Green!)
  • "Who are all these other people in my bedroom? What spiffing fun!" (Marquis de Sade, Belgium)
  • P.S. You can see my spot at the top left hand side of the Brochure Photo. Transcendental, man. Amazeballs. (Benzo Spacecadet, Chase Farm Hospital)

Friday, 18 July 2014

Well hello, I’m Simon Mince and welcome to Stage Left, your weekly look at what’s the new rock ‘n ‘ roll in British theatre and I have with me tonight two of the biggest, most fantastic wonderful names in terms of board treading in the world. 

First, the only, the one and only Sir Michael Rhubarb, 103 years young and still packing ‘em in as King Lear’s granddad in Toby Smartarse’s production of Neville Greville’s King Lear’s Granddad at the Very Old Vic….
Sir M: Mmmph.
And for the very first time on Stage Left, the exceptionally beautiful and captivating Miranda Fule, straight from her press – stopping performance as Madge Bunn in Barbara Cartland’s Its All Shite at the Goole Playhouse. Welcome Miranda!!
M: Wha’evva….
Let me start with you, Sir Michael. When you were a brilliant young actor, all those years ago, did you ever dream you’d one day play King Lear’s Grandad in such a fantastic and wonderful play?
Sir M: Mmmph. Well of course I didn’t, you little berk. By rights I should be brown bread by now or peacefully slavering in a home somewhere.
So what drives you still ?
Sir M: Mmmph. I’ll tell you what bloody well drives me sonny – a big bloke in a Merc, seven grasping ex-wives and a runaway cocaine habit. That’s what drives me!
Well there’s a brilliantly straight- talking Sir Michael for you! Miranda – I suppose even such a towering dramatic presence as your lovely self must be pretty excited about the reviews of your powerful performance in Its All Shite?
M: It’s a job, innit?
But weren’t you surprised at the grittiness of the piece, coming as it does from someone more associated with hearts and flowers?
M: Yeah, well, she’s dead now innit so we altered it a bit, right?
Really? How exciting! For those who haven’t seen it yet – in what way?
M: Well, me getting’ me kit off for a start.
Yes indeed. That must have been a first for Goole.
M: Not really, I’ve ‘ad me kit off all over the place and Goole more than once.
And the farting. Tell me about the farting.
M: Yeah well, that was Jaz’s idea. He’s a real old perv.
By Jaz, of course you mean Charles Tightfit the director and one-time collaborator of Matthew Bourne’s?
M: That’s ‘im.
Tell me, didn’t Charles, er Jaz once suggest having live turkeys dance Swan Lake?
M: Yeah, but they crapped everywhere and couldn’t do high kicks.
Which is a neat link back to Its All Shite, right? Oh my goodness, I’m breaking into rhyme, ha ha ha….
M: You’re a bit of a wanker really,  innit?
Sir M: Mmmnph. Too bloody right he is. Tell you what Belinda, or whatever your name is, get some clothes on and let’s nip across the road for a quick snifter then maybe a line or two back at my hotel… no need to zip anything up….

Stage Left was a Precious Head up Bum Production for BBC Radio 4 and Simon Mince will be back again at the same time next week unless we can find somebody a bit less fawning.

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Holiday Reading

Pangolin literary editor, Kevin Scragg, has asked some of the country's top writers what they will be taking this year to read on the beach:

Hermione Flargue:

Experience has taught me never to go anywhere without packing a paperback edition of my prize-winning trilogy, set in North London. In it the writer chronicles a journey of self-discovery, beginning with Muswell Ill and the harrowing choices faced by a fledgling writer trapped in the body of a chubby adolescent. Its sequel, Muswell Pill, weaves an extraordinary narrative from the temptations and tribulations of life as lived in Swinging London. Muswell Still is the wistful, bitter-sweet memoir of a youthful spirit held against its will in the body of an ageing but loveable step-grandmother.

Anthony Quirke-Burke:

I shall be taking Thrice Neigh, Antonia Pluke-Anstruther's monumental and definitive study of 18th century horse wormer syringes.

Desmond Fickett:

Poolside in Tuscany, I will have beside me as ever the 3-volume compact edition (1987) of the Oxford English Dictionary plus magnifying glass, along with Wisden, of course, and a book of log tables.

Antonia Pluke-Anstruther:

I shan't be without a copy of Thrust, Anthony Quirke-Burke's latest bonkbuster, set in Magaluf.

Dymphna Pludd:

I can't wait to get my hands on Naomi Piddock's Nemesis. This year I have set myself the challenge of reading a Naomi Piddock right to the end. As most readers will be aware, this small volume picks a short route over familiar territory, covering ground tackled more sensitively and more extensively in my own writing over recent years. Fans of my work will enjoy spotting common links, shared thinking and maybe the odd plagiarism. It's a book I look forward to reviewing for the autumn.